I like to call myself a creative person. I think up a lot of stories, and rather frequently tell them to myself just so somebody gets to hear them. I like art. I like making things up out of thin air. I like to create. And I like to create for other people.
Unfortunately, I'm not very good at this kind of creating.
Let's say I imagine a picture. A girl with a long cloak and the hood up standing in a dark forest, holding up a lantern with one hand. In my head, the picture is wonderful, and I know exactly how it must be done to transfer this image onto a blank piece of paper. I sharpen a soft pencil, get paper from the printer and set to work. Two hours later, I will, for sure, rip the sheet into pieces and briefly consider breaking the pencil in half.
Let's say I think of a beautiful storyline that would perfectly fit into the novel I'm currently working on. I have all the characters I need, I have the setting and the dialogue, all I need to do is put that story into words. And I can't.
I am never satisfied with anything I do. And this goes beyond the natural artist's scepticism that tells every creator that his work could be just a little better. I am horribly frustrated whenever I try to create something worthwhile which has lead me to generally avoid having to create things.
A friend of mine keeps an appointment calendar that she hands her friends every week with a new theme to draw. If I can, I only write words in fancy colours because even my sheep (which are curly lines forming a circle with four little lines for legs and a crude head) look horribly out of place in that fancy calendar.
Although I actually love drawing and crafty things like sewing and knitting, my inability to execute any of these in a fashion that would allow me to be proud of the results mostly keeps me from doing any of them. I must have dozens of little, five inch pieces of knitting that don't follow any kind of pattern or serve any kind of purpose.
Maybe this frustration is partly due to the fact that as a creating mind, I have found myself creating minds as friends. Which is not to say that I blame my friends for my own failures.
But anybody who has ever had to sit next to a teenage Van Gogh in art class knows that feeling of incapability. And now imagine feeling that almost all the time.
My friends are painters, photographers, tailors, singers, actors, comedians, musicians, make-up artists, dancers, fashion-icons and writers. Add the fact that they are all incredibly beautiful and you get where my problem comes from.
I try not to let that get to me too much. But of course, the harder you push something away, the more force it has rushing back in.
I decided to create. Just create. No matter what. I'll doodle on notes. I'll draw in calendars. I'll write up stories. I'll simply create. No second thoughts. No regrets.
I hope I'll be happier with this. I hope somebody joins me.
